A headlight is all you need to survive a night in the Danish countryside.
Let us be completely honest. It is not fun leaving a warm bed and a loving wife in the middle of a dark and chilly Autumn night in a foreign and strange place.
I can tell you what I was thinking of that chilly night with no stars, with the headlight on. Let me find the outhouse without tripping on a cow dung or a puddle. Let me come back to my loving wife and warm bed as quick as possible.
But I was probably also thinking: what am I doing here, fumbling in the dark in the middle of nowhere without the slightest idea of where I would like to spend the rest of my life or my next night.
I was not at all thinking of what happened the first day of our summer vacation a year ago. As it was nothing to remember, only to repress.
A year ago:
It is a lovely early summer day with birds song outside. Our favourite thai dish is on the table. We begin to eat with good appetite. My wife is next to me. Everything is nearly perfect.
A moment later my entire world passes through a mixer. I can only see blinding tiny undefined, shapeless pieces moving around fast.
I shut my eyes, reopen them and still cannot get back neither my wife nor the world in one piece again.
Is this the end? Am I experiencing stroke after an exceptional stressed working period? Nothing to be surprised about. Something to mourn. After 50 years of life I reached the point of no return. It is time to leave, untimely.
I am absolutely calm, absolutely sad. I have lost all ability to act. I sit put. No word at all comes over my lips, no food neither. As I am already gone and the body that heavily lies on the chair is a corpse with functions that soon and gradually will be abounded. The ability to see is merely the beginning.
How was this life? Am I satisfied with it?
Of course not. No way I wish to end my life goodwilling. There is so much to regret, so much to accomplish.
My life is undone.
But I am on a process of losing it. I have already lost control over my sight.
My wife is talking to me, she is talking to somebody on an emergency number. The shame I feel being carried away to the ambulance for the first time in my life is indescribable. Shame as there must be individuals with more urgent needs than I.
Soon no more shame. No nothing. White walls.